~~~  THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG  ~~~
 
   * Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
   * Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
     to be pure ecstasy.
   * When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
   * When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
   * Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
   * Take naps and stretch before rising.
   * Run, romp and play daily.
   * Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.  Stop when you've had enough.
   * Be loyal.
   * Never pretend to be something you're not.
   * If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
   * When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by
     and nuzzle them gently.
   * Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
   * Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
   * On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
   * On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
   * When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
   * No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
    thing and pout ...run right back and make friends.
   * Delight in the  simple joy of a long walk.

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1.  After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL
        DRY YOU!  Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself
        off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before
        your humans bedtime.

2.  Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home,
        put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as
        if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
        frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
        caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
        nothing wrong.)

3.   Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
     Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
     blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're
     talking about.

4.  Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee',
    sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
    spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the
    earth.

5.  Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
    busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make
    sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your
    humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6.  When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every
    time a strange human walks by.

7.  Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
    playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
    a while.

8.  Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet
    them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
    something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one
    of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9.  When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
    Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. (Mac has perfected
     this one!!!)

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
        and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as
       you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back
        asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.  If authentic, it would shed light
on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.  Regardless
of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And
Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not obey
Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium, floating outside the window, in the oven) - it is just my reflection.
• I will watch where I am going so that I will stop running in to small, but very hard, trees.
• Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
• Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without barking at them.
• Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
• I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
• I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
• I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in front of us.
• I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor even if lets it lie on the bed. It turns on easily and makes spooky noises.
• I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a KER-THUMP! And requires that I bark at it.
• I will not spring through the car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
• I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.
• I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated.

--Author Unknown

This joke does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the website creator

I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous". Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

• Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
• Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
• Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
• Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
• If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
• Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
• Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
• Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
• Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
• Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
• Do you know the meaning of the following terms: CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC,WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?
• Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
• Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?
• If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
• Do those pockets often contain freeze-dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
• When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
• Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
• Do you find non dog people boring?

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE GONE TO THE DOGS WHEN....

• You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
• Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
• You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
• The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
• You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
• Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
• You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
• Your dog sleeps with you.
• You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but he/she understands.
• Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let him/her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
• You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
• You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
• You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
• You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
• You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
• You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
• You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
• You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
• You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
• You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
• Your dog is getting old and arthritic or is a Dachshund, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by himself/herself.
• Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
• You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
• You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
• You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
• You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
• You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
• You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs his/her walk.
• You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
• Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
• Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
• Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
• You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, his/her other dish is way down on the first floor...).
• Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
• You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
• You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all his/her favorite spots.
• You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
• You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
• You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
• You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:
Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

* DOGGY DICTIONARY **

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones  to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined  with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return

(c) 1998 Sandy Lindsey, Distributed with permission.

As the festive season is coming up I thought you might like a cake recipe.

Preparation: Remove dog from kitchen and set out all bowls, spoons etc. needed for mixing, not forgetting a glass for testing the brandy. Ingredients: 1 cup of butter, 1 cup of dried fruit, 1 cup of brown sugar, 1 cup flour, 1 cup of white sugar, eggs, 1 tsp. of baking powder, lemon juice, salt, various nuts and 1 bottle of quality brandy.

• Sample the brandy and check for quality (not forgetting to give the dog a small amount as compensation for shutting him out of the kitchen).
• Take a large bowl and to be sure it is of the same high quality as before pour one level cup of the brandy and retest.
• Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter and beat again.
• Make sure the Brandy is still okay and give some more to the dog to stop him banging into the door. Just to be sure it is still okay cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
• Beat the eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the cup and dried fruit.
• Mix on turner and remove dogs head from fridge. If the fruit gets tuck in the beaters pry it loose with a beazpoon.
• Samply the brandy again and check for tonsisistity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares?
• Check the Brandy and give dog some more to stop it swaying out of sequence to you. Sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts.
• Add one babblespook of brown sugar, or whichever colour you can find. Wix Mell.
• Grease the oven. Remove dog from oven. Turn on the cake pan to 350 grandees. Do not forget to beat off the mixer.
• Throw the bowl out of the window, check the Brandy and join the dog in its bed.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic agnostic?
A: A person who stays up all night wondering "Is there a Dog?"

DOG RULES AROUND OUR HOUSE

1. 1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only, but has to stay off the new couch.
5. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

    Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

    
    15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
    14. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
    13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
    12. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
    11. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
    10. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
    9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
    8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
    7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
    6. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
    5. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
    4. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...
    3. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question!
    2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
    1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. (Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)
    

    Photographing A Puppy:

    
    
    1. Remove film from box and load camera.
    2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
    3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
    4. Choose a suitable background for photo
    5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
    6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
    7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
    8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
    9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
    10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
    11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
    12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
    13. Put magazines back on coffee table
    14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
    15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
    16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"
    17. Call spouse to clean up mess
    18. Fix a drink
    19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning!
    

    Top 10 Doggie Newsgroups:

    
    

     
    10. alt.firehydrants.pictures
    9. fido.humans.training_to_fetch
    8. rec.sports.sticks.stones
    7. alt.pictures.mastersleg
    6. fido.god.is.dog.spelled.backwards
    5. rec.sports.frisbee.catching.
    4. fido.favorite.nap.spots
    3. alt.socks.die!.die!.die!.
    2. rec.games.involving.dead.cats
    1. alt.where.oh.where.can.he.be?

    

    All humour appearing on the ADSC website is posted with permission of the contributor

    
    Return to the ADSC Homepage Copyright © 1999 Adam Taylor
    Revised - March 1999 URL: http://members.tripod.com